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Jennifer L. Verdolin, PhD, studies animal behavior, particularly the courtship and mating systems of animals. In her book Wild Connection: What Animal Courtship and Mating Tell Us About Human Relationships, Verdolin takes inspiration from the rest of the animal kingdom and applies it to human romantic relationships.
Verdolin's book is full of fascinating observations about animal behavior, along with suggestions of what people can learn from our fellow animals. I had the chance to talk with Verdolin about Wild Connection recently and ask her what she learned from looking at human relationships through the lens of animal behavior.
Q: How did you get into studying animal behavior?
Verdolin: I always loved animals as a kid. About halfway through my undergraduate I started volunteering at what is now the Center for Great Apes, where I helped take care of chimpanzees and orangutans rescued from the entertainment industry or the pet trade. That's where I decided I really wanted to study why animals do what they do. I figured out the best career choice to enable me to sit and watch animals all day was to be a scientist and study animal behavior.
My time working at the Center for Great Apes influenced me a lot, in many different ways. It was such a privilege to interact with chimpanzees and orangutans in a way that very few people get to do. I was profoundly affected by the nature of those interactions and how similar they were to the kinds of interactions that we have with each other. And that sparked my curiosity a lot.
Q: What inspired you to write this book?
Verdolin: I really was inspired by the awful nature of my relationships. I studied social and mating systems for my PhD, and one night I thought, "How is it possible that I have a PhD in animal behavior, I know all these details of what animals do and don't do, and I can't seem to date successfully?"
I didn't see animals doing some of the things humans do. You don't see male Harlequin ducks chase down females only to get bored after they've caught them. It doesn't happen. So I wondered what's going on, with both men and women, that's creating so much conflict between the sexes. I wondered what would happen if I thought about dating from an animal perspective. How would that change how I'm experiencing these dates?
Q: Did writing this book change the way you approach dating?
Verdolin: Totally. Not only did I learn about the mistakes I was making in communication, but I thought more about what I was looking for in a partner. Once I realized that animals are pretty clear about what they're trying to achieve in a relationship and they act accordingly, I gave more thought to whether I was just interested in dating or was really looking for a relationship.
The other thing that changed for me was that instead of sitting across from somebody and wondering if I was good enough for this person, I thought, "I know what I want and I'm not concerned about whether I'm good enough for this person — I'm going to be me and evaluate what they have to offer and figure out how well matched we are." Now I will very quickly look at how we solve problems together or how we deal with conflict, whether it's planning a date or dealing with a misunderstanding. On a date I'm trying to get to know a person and evaluate how compatible we are. And that's the way a lot of animals approach finding a mate.
Q: You say that good relationships depend on communication, cooperation, and compromise. What are some animal examples of these qualities that might inspire us?
__Verdolin: __Communication is a big one. Somehow we think that communication should be effortless. And yet when we actually look at animals they go to great lengths to avoid miscommunication with each other because the consequences can be pretty intense and can lead to conflict. For example, black-bellied wren couples take turns when they are singing in their territory. In fact, the wonderful thing about these wrens is that if they are not in sync with one another they actually stop and take a break. I think the lesson there is that when you're not communicating very well with your partner, the best thing to do is stop, take a break, and try again later.
Q: Do you think there is a human mating system or are we more diverse than that?
Verdolin: I think we're totally diverse. What I tried to accomplish in the book was not to say we are like ladybugs or monkeys or any particular species, but to use the variation we find across species to highlight the variation we have within our own species. Humans vary a lot, from what we find attractive to how monogamous we are. And I think that we have a belief that we're supposed to be a certain type of mating system.
Everybody makes a big deal when they discover an animal species is not as monogamous as it "should" be, like swans. So some percentage of swans are unfaithful; why aren't we asking why every swan isn't unfaithful? There is variation in any mating system that you look at. The question is, what drives that variation.
I think a first step for us would be to acknowledge there is and has always been, historically and in the present, a tremendous amount of variation in human mating systems. What seems to be the problem is we have an expectation that there isn't. What a difference it would make if we had that conversation: "You know, I'm just not that much of a monogamist. Oh you are? No problem, then we're not a good match." But nobody has that honest conversation. They try to have what they want without being forthright about it.
There's a lot of variation among individuals and in cultures across the globe. I think the best thing is for people to decide what makes sense for them. This can depend on your culture, your genetics, where you are in your life, or even what partner you're with. It's not a moral judgment, it's about what works for you. You can act like a squirrel sometimes or you can act like an albatross. What you shouldn't do is pretend you're an albatross when you're really a squirrel.
